it’s when the good stuff happens

Have you ever noticed that it’s when the good stuff happens, that you feel it most?

You can put up with all sorts of crap.  Smashing a bottle of wine (raffle prize), putting your foot through a drain cover (somebody else’s), bashing your head on the first aid box (ironic).

Yep, everything’s groovy when there’s shit…and a fan.  Well, groovy might be stretching it, but it’s, you know, manageable.  You can hold it together, carry on, keep a tight grip on which emotions get an outing.  You’ve probably dealt with worse after all. The world keeps on spinning (maybe it turns in yours but it definitely spins in mine).  Will it matter in 100 years time?  Unlikely. So “never mind”.  It’ll make a good story.  Tell the story.  Move on.  I’m a survivor and all that (cue Destiny’s Child).

But then… something nice happens.  And suddenly there’s no-one there to tell.  And the realisation knocks the air out of your lungs.    Being promoted to Fundraising Manager.  Crossing the Brighton Marathon finishing line.  Winning Best Trade Stand with the helicopter at the Herts County Show.  That’s when you want to hear shared joy in their voice, feel strong arms around your tired body, find his eyes over the rim of your champagne glass.

So yep, I’ve been feeling the lack of that.

Then, this weekend I met a group of people who feel uncannily like I’ve met them before.  The further away from the moment I am, the stronger the sense of deja vu.  I don’t understand why (and don’t ask me because I can’t explain it).  There’s just this inescapable feeling that I was meant to meet these people, at this time and in that place.

One tiny lady opened the door to her life just a crack.  Her home was never going to be of her own choosing.  Smilingly she accepts this.  It’s just the way it is.   My emphathy for her swells up unchecked.  It is unfair in a way I can’t even express but somehow meeting her has woken me up.

I might not have that special person.  I might feel the lack of them when good things happen.  I might never find a ‘someone’ for me.  But I make my own choices.  I can decide  who.  I can decide who not.  I can change my mind.  I can choose no-one.

Freedom.

So precious.

So easily forgotten if you have it.