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black clouds, silver linings

I have had so much going on that I’ve barely had time to breathe, never mind blog.  I’ve been thinking about it though.  A lot.  So now I have a whole list of stuff that I need to spill out of my head, before it pops off like a champagne cork.

Firstly, know that a lot of stuff has been going wrong. Stupidly wrong. Like my car breaking down and costing me £560 (nothing like a car out of action for 4 days to make you appreciate it.  More next post).  Like the leaking skylight at the top of the house letting a stream water pour onto the stair carpet every time it rains in torrents.  Which of course it’s been doing a lot.  Because it’s June.  And this is England.  Like not having broadband for more than a three weeks and being powerless to do anything about it due to the opening hours of Utility Warehouse (which would be fine if I had a normal job but impossible due to the fact I’m rarely home before 8pm).  Like the threat of the helicopter going in for an essential engine change on the same weekend as the Herts County Show (only one of the biggest events of the year!). Oh and then finding out that it’s annual service had been booked for National Air Ambulance Week (the other biggest event of the year. Law. Sod.). Then there’s the window in my bedroom which is somehow permanently stuck with an gaping inch either side after the handle came off in my hand (this is the window is right next to my bed…of course). Like dropping half a pot of cream all over the fridge. Then loosing a lovingly made cup of coffee to the floor immediately afterwards. Then smashing one of my little Israeli expresso cups straight after that. Like buying sand paper in the massive Stevenage B&Q, walking all the way across the store to the top car park, getting to the doors, realising I’d left it at the till downstairs, having to walk all the way down and all the way back up again; midway explaining to the surly checkout girl what an idiot I’d been (of course she didn’t find it funny at all).

Like every single thing that keeps me going, retreating further and further from my grasp each day. Because of circumstances completely out of my control. (Mostly – I’m beginning to think – because the world revolves around money. If there was one single thing I could change about life, I think that would be it).

But then…happily, there’s these little silver speckles on the flip-side of these troublesome black clouds, and these glints catch the light: neutralise the gloom.   Like Ron reaching his pink padded paws up to my nose in the morning as he demonstrates ‘the cat pose’ one pawed with enviable feline ease. Like finding 30th Birthday presents for both Ruth and Sarah in the one shop in Whitstable and spying a cosy Fisherman’s hut whilst on our girly weekend, which one day I will share. Along with secrets. And desires. And a bottle of wine.

A perfectly formed white dandelion head, standing proud of the weedy flower pot in the garden, balanced by scatters of purple and red stage left and offset by a stunning backdrop of luscious green, adorned with haphazard explosions of daisies.

Like recapturing the taste of childhood in a mouthful thanks to the BBC Good Food Guides’ Toffee Crispie recipe dug out by Mummy Easby. The ‘True Love’ Lynx shower gel waiting for my weary heart in the shower room at hers (best marketing ever!). Going to bed at whatever the hell time I want and sleeping like a starfish all night in my own double bed. Like the most perfect ruby red cherries which taste just as good as they look. (Years ago I asked my Grandma what her favourite fruit was and, after thinking seriously about it for at least five  seconds, she declared ‘cherries’. After some careful consideration by my eight year old self, I concluded she was quite right, so they have also been my no 1 ever since. Quite right!).

What else? A smile as a ‘presumed lost’ friend gets back in touch.  The pleasure of knowing that another old friend who’s moved hundreds of miles away will soon receive an unexpected letter from me in the post. The relief that the nice lady at the garage was only charging me at cost for the dead car battery’s replacement after I’d already forked out a monkey for repairs. Like Martin (the new housemate) putting up shelves and having the kindness to wholeheartedly laugh at my stories at the end of some very long days. The sun set fire in the car windows’ reflection as I tiredly hoist groceries and wonder if it’s all going to be ok (yes).

Like Herman the friendship cake (not mine. Although I have the feeling I might get my own Herman soon so I will fill you in then). Lovely little people, Ella and Abby, treating me to a share of their ‘cinema night’. Ron’s very own bespoke furry cushion made by Mum out of her old fleecy coat after his original pre-loved one upped and left with the ex.

Like falling in love…with Instagram.

Like a half marathon today followed by a lovely afternoon of Marie’s perfect wheat free pancakes and a viewing of the thoroughly uplifting ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’ movie. Especially, the thrill of not knowing what might happen next. Tuscany? My own little villa to do up? An adventure to write about? One day I’m going to do it: escape to the life I’m meant to be having. I have a feeling.

So it’s not all been bad. I’ve been pushed. No doubt about it. But I’ve been pulled back too. And, although I’ve not got time to tell you about everything that’s kept me away over the past few weeks, I think it’s safe to say that it’s easier to remember the silver than the black. I’ve not forgetten about taking the time to notice, capture, the glints. Which means ultimately everything must be okay. I must be okay.

“Never loose your childish innocence.  It’s the most important thing”, according to Fellini and courtesy of this afternoon’s lovely lovely lovely movie. I’m down with that.

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