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you arrive alone. You leave alone.

You know, in life.  I don’t know why, but I found that a comforting thought today.

I’m not so enthralled about turning 37 really. And I don’t mind telling you that I was uncontrollably sad last night as I considered how very much more alone I am than I ever expected to be.  Not that it’s a bad thing. Sometimes it’s great. Pleasing yourself. Going where you want. Doing what you want. Answering to no-one.

But sometimes – like particularly around your birthday, when you think ’37: what did I think that looked like, before I got here?’ but now you’ve got here, it’s an entirely different galaxy to what you thought – orbiting solo is just a bit shit.

But I’m not really solo. I spoke to a very dear friend this evening who reminded me that I’m surrounded by these beautiful stars and there are so many of them twinkling around me, being individual and brilliant and making my life – my little solo life – so very special. It’s a unique, complex, vast, diverse, always interesting and often fun (let’s not forget the fun!) galaxy that I’m whizzing through. And I’m collecting all these different stars as I go. Not always within reach and not always exactly where you left them, but always there. And the more of them I collect, the more I should know: there’s no point in comparing Pluto to Mars.

And that strangely comforting thought. Whatever else happens in life: you come into it by yourself; you leave it by yourself. It’s a constant. The control. The one thing that does not change no matter who you have become, how much money you have hidden under the bed or how many offspring you have produced. And yes that’s a very scientific way of putting it, but at the end of the day, essentially, that’s the truth.

So what matters in between? Not what you look like compared to another galaxy (because that would be ridiculous to even think you could start to compare), but what happened in your little orbit today, and whether you were good to yourself, and those who crossed in and out of it, and made the most of it, and them. And if you didn’t today, that you will tomorrow.

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